[3:2] Good Evening
[3:3] Ahem
[3:4] You’re like anyone else, right? You ask yourself how love comes to those in love and why unrequited hearts are still thankful for their slavery. Well let me tell you the story of a young Englishman and how he fell in love.
[3:5] We find ourselves in the English countryside in 1870.
McConey: Shall we check again my dear Alex?
Alex: Exactly sir, we’ll check again
[3:6] McConey: Spare oar, sail, life-saving equipment
Alex: Yes
McConey: Sextant, compass, assorted navigational charts…
Alex: Yes
[3:7] McConey: Carrot cakes, tea, chocolate, monocle, covers, change of pullover, small flask of rum, sweet water, buoy, spare buoy
Alex: Not so fast… Sir, spare buoy, yes
[3:8] Alex: I think that’s everything, Sir
McConey: Perfect. It’s a favourable weather forecast, no cyclone in sight…
What do you think Alex?
[3:9]Alex: I think you’ll have a lovely trip, Sir.
McConey: Don’t say that old chap, it’s unlucky.
Alex: Oh! Yes. Too late.

[4:1] McConey: Hmm, delightful. This scent of… This scent of… Ah, how should I phrase it? This scent of water.
Alex: Like the scent of adventure, if you’ll allow me sir.
[4:2] McConey: Healthy life, my dear Alex
Alex: Until later, Sir. I’ll set the kettle boiling for tea. Don’t stay out long.
[4:3] Poor Alex. Worries about everything.
[4:4] He treats me like a five year old who’s not to be trusted on his own. Ha ha!
[4:5] Damn it, I’ve told him a hundred times already to make holes in the cap so it stays in place.
[4:6] What a situation we’re in now. One moment’s distraction and I’ve already gone wrong.
[4:7] Buggeration. Where’s the sea chart? Ah. Turkey, The Azores, Nebraska, Manila.
[4:8} Hmm. One thing’s clear. I’ve not got a chart of this river.
[4:9] No need to panic. I have got this. An emergency handbook for unforeseen situations. Hopefully it’ll provide a list of idyllic Sussex guest houses.

[5:1] Shit. The print’s miniscule
[5:2} Yooo hoo. Little boat
[5:4] Mr Hare. Are you the dapper Captain?
[5:5] McConey: Ah, good day Madam.
Nadia: Ha, ha ha! Don’t you recognise me? It’s Nadia.
[5:7] Nadia?
[5:8] McConey: It’s still true Nadia? We’ll get married when we’re grown-up?
Nadia: I promise. I’ll let my parents know.
McConey: And what about those idiots Richardson and McTerry?
Nadia: Ah!
[5:9] McTerry: I heard you call me an idiot and that you want to marry Nadia.
McConey: Don’t hit me McTYerry.
McTerry: I’ll tell your parents
McConey: If you do that I’ll hit you.
Nadia: They’re fighting… Overme!

[6:1] McConey: Do you still want to snitch to my parents?
McTerry: No. I’ll tell my father. He’s a butcher and has lots of sharp knives.
McConey: Forget that idiot McTerry. Look at my engagement present Nadia.
Nadia: Wow! Are those real diamonds?
McConey: I hope so. I swapped my best ball in my mother’s jewellery box.
[6:2] I don’t know what you want Mr McTerry, but now isn’t the time. We’re searching for an unbelievably valuable necklace.
[6:3] Miss Nadia
[6:4] But.. Ah!Miss Nadia, weren’t you five years old then?
[6:5} Nadia: That was a long time ago, just like for you.
McConey: Yes, perhaps. Ah, probably. Ah, could be.
[6:7] Nadia: Don’t you want to pull in? It would be easier to talk.
McConey: Of course…
[6:8]: The current’s not bringing me into the bank. apart from that I’ve got a little heart problem.

[7:1] Nadia: Where should it go then?
McConey: Well, what I had in mind was to head to the old mill and back.
[7:2] Nadia: To the old mill?
McConey: And back. I like taking little excursions.
[7:3] Nadia: I see that. You’ve not changed. I’m really happy to see you again.
McConey: Yes, me too. Above all because I took a wrong turn.
[7:4] Nadia: How are your parents?
McConey: Oh dear Miss Nadia, I hardly dare think about it.
[7:6] Nadia: Heavens! You don’t want to say that they’re…
McConey: Yes.
[7:7] Nadia: My God! How terrible!
McConey: Oh, no
Nadia: But how could that have happened?
McConey: Quite unexpectedly.
[7:8] As mother learned from shopping at Smarks and Pencer she said to me “listen darling, you’ll recover alone in the country.”
[7:9] Recover myself! As you can see, I’m not very sensible.
[7:10] Nadia: Then your parents are still in good health
McConey: They have boundless good health. Does that bother you?
[7:11] Nadia: Never mind. Shall we walk a little?
McConey: Okay
[7:12] Nadia: I don’t want to be indiscreet, but why have you come back after all these years?
McConey: Ohh. Such a nuisance.

[8:1] Nadia: Sorry?
McConey: Oh, not you Miss Nadia, the rope. Such a nuisance of a rope.
[8:2] A double reef knot has spontaneously formed around my foot. Hmm. Have you perchance got a sharp Swiss knife with you?
[8:3] No need, I’ve got it. So, you were saying Miss Nadia?
[8:4] Nadia: I was asking why it’s been so long since you;ve come back here.
McConey: Oh I only spend my holidays here.
[8:5] These will be my last carefree moments of peace.
[8:6] I’ve completed my studies at the Royal Academy, and Mother wants me to start working from July.
[8:7] Nadia: I understand. Are you going to work in your father’s bank?
McConey: Oh no. I’m a (mumbles)
[8:8] Nadia: Pardon?
McConey: (mumbles)
Nadia: Sorry?
[8:9] Artist
[8:10] Nadia: You;re an artist. That’s fantastic.
McConey: That’s a catastrphe, you mean.

[9:1] Nadia: It’s really a catastrophe, to be hanging one day in the National Gallery between Gainsborough and… I don’t know… another English artist.
McConey: Yes, right.
[9:2] I wanted to find myself in the Academy of Science between Newton and… another English scientist.
[9:3] I was a born scientist Miss Nadia, don’t you remember? I loved being hands on. Dissecting planets, observing frogs through a telescope, discovering new illnesses… It was my calling.
[9:4] On the day I confided in my mother she replied “Out of the question. We’ve got enough rough edges in the house. You’ll be an artist my darling.
[9:5]I spent five unending years at the Royal Academy. The professors hated my microscopic style and criticised my motives. “Rainworm dissected lengthwise”, “Battle of the ameobas” or “Abduction of the enzymes”. The old gits.
[9:6] McConey: And here I stand with diploma and ready to spend the rest of my life painting naked women reclining in large, light hallways.”
Nadia: My poor friend.
[9:10] The only concession my mother made was a two month holiday here accompanied by our faithful Alex. From the first of July – that’s a Tuesday – I’ll be painting for sixty years. Ah Miss Nadia, I believe my soul strings are sundered and my heart is with them, drifting away.

[10:1] Nadia: My dear friend, what can I say?
McConey: Nothing Miss Nadia. Oh-oh. There’s always something else.
[10:2] McConey: It seems as if my boat has decided to make for the mill on its own.
Nadia: Dear Godd, yes.
[10:3] McConey: How will I get home? Alex will be back soon, and he’ll be worried in the night?
Nadia: Why don’t you crawl through the hole in the hedge?
[10:4] Well, who’d have thought? Look Miss Nadia, the hole’s still there.
[10:5] McConey: So real, so tangible, like before.
Nadia: Mr McConey
[10:6] McConey: Uh, yes?
Nadia: Will you come to tea tomorrow afternoon. Around four o’clock?
[10:7] McConey: Of course, Miss tea… Tomorrow at four Nadia. I’ll have to hurry. ‘til then.
Nadia: Until tomorrow, my dear.
[10:8] Ha ha. I remember back then when I was such a little idiot.
[10:9] Times have changed. I’m not so little anymore!

[11:2] There we have it. That’s all it takes for two hearts to entwine.
[11:3] But wait, see how it continues.
[11:5] Alex: You’ve not started on your carrots. Aren’t you hungry sir?
McConey: I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Alex.
[11:6] I spent a few minutes talking with Miss Nadia, and since then I’ve not eaten or slept and have no lust for life. Ican only think of Miss Nadia
[11:7] Alex: Oh, I understand. You’ve fallen in love. Congratulations sir.
McConey: You’re congratulating me on falling ill?
[11:8] Hang on a minute. You said fallen in love? What’s that?
[11:9} Alex: The symptoms are exactly what you described Sir. It was like that when I met my blessed wife Mrs Margaret. With her I…
McConey: You don’t mean the fat Mrs Margaret?
[11:10] Alex: Hem
McConey: Fallen in love. How about that.

[12:1] McConey: Tell me my good Alex, if everyone who’s fallen in love stops eating and sleeping like you say don’t they become an unloving corpse?
Alex: I wouldn’t know about that, sir.
[12:2] Alex: The reverse is usually true. The man in love bubbles with enthusiasm for the joy of life.
McConey: Fantastic. A condition that allows men to drag themselves above nature.
[12:3] McConey: Have we any books about this in the library Alex?
Alex: You mean works about love, Sir?
[12:4] Alex: There’s nothing else. Every book in the world is about love.
McConey: Really?
[12:5] McConey: In my textbook comparing the anatomies of butterflies and amphibians there’s nothing about love. Let’s see… “Romeo and Juliet”.
[12:6] Hmmm… Yes… Hmmm
[12:7] McConey: This work doesn’t seem strictly knowledgeable, but I’ll take a gander at it anyway.
Alex: A good selection Sir. It’s said that Mr Shakespeare knew his way around the vagaries of the human soul.
[12:8] McConey: Really. And what’s this mean? Who is this bloke talking to?
Alex: I believe the lovestruck young man is sharing his feelings with the moon, sir.
[12:9] McConey: He’s speaking to the moon? And it answers him? Ha, ha, ha.
Alex: Naturally sir. It’s always listening.
[12:11] Alex, bring my coat.

[13:1] Alex: You’re going out sir?
McConey: Exactly. I’m going to have a word with the moon.
[13:2] Think about it my good Alex, I’ve succumbed to this illness and I can use it for my studies.
[13:3} Ha ha.
[13:4] Ahem… Ah, hallo.
[13:5] So, I’ve two or three questions on the topic of love for you.
[13:6] Could one say that the condition of love corresponds with three daily meals? And if so, savoury or sweet?
[13:7] And again if so, are there other flavours? And can one choose the aroma? And does Miss Nadia feel anything for me?
[13:9] Okay, one must obviously take it as it comes.
[13:10] Ahem, the same question.
[13:12] Hmm. Perhaps I’m not in love enough, but this story of the conversational heavenly body is obviously an exaggerated metaphor. That Alex. Time for bed.

[14:1] My poor friend. Prepare yourself for the most tormented night of your life. Obsession raises perception and tonight my young rabbit you’ll transform Nadia into a Goddess.
[14:3] Damn!
[14:4] I can’t get to sleep. It’s Alex’s fault. Him and his metaphors.
[14:5] I’ll use the time to write a little note. Let’s see.. “Dear Mother and Father”..
[14:6} Hmmm
[14:7] Your eyes are two golden beetles. The… The…
[14:8] Eyes, beetles? No, that doesn’t work.
[14:9] Miss Nadia, oxygen doesn’t possess the lightness of your laughter, nor the cleanliness of your… of your… Come on! I need some inspiration.
[14:11] Shit!

[15:1] The hours of darkness, although taking longer, eventually passed.
McConey: Crap, crap, crap.
[15:2] Miss Nadia… Nadia… Nia Dia.. Dia Dia… Gna Gna… Da Da… Do Do.
[15:3] Okay, I’ve tickled my muse enough for today. Now for bed.
[15:6] Hmmm. Who is it?
[15:7] Breakfast and a good morning sir.
[15:8] I’m happy to see you up already sir. As my father and his fther before him used to say “The man who gets up early sees the poplar grow”.
[15:9] Or was that the guy who owned the Chinese laundry?
[15:10] Alex: Would you like tea, sir?
McConey: Tea!!!
Alex: Or would you prefer coffee, Sir?
[15:11} McConey: THE TEA, THE TEA.
Alex: At once, Sir. And only the best as served to Kings
[15:12] To the devil with kings. at 4 o’clock this afternoon I’ve been invited to tea with Miss Nadia.

[16:1] Alex: But it’s only 7.30 in the morning. You’ve enough time sir.
McConey: Oh, 7.30. Yes, that’s right.
[16:2] McConey: Alex, you’re right. I’ve fallen in love.
Alex: I’m happy for you and congratulate you from the bottom of my heart sir.
[16:3] Hmm. You already congratulated me yesterday, and I haven’t slept a wink all night. Won’t I be able to sleep tonight either?
[16:4] The entire night was taken up writing. I tried 1653 times or thereabouts to produce a love poem.
[16:5] Can I suggest you use your time this gorgeous morning to recover a little?
[16:6] Alex: A little walk, a little painting perhaps.
McConey: Okay, why not?
[16:7] It’s curious Alex
[16:8] What’s happened to nature since yesterday? Everything seems so graceful and charming. So clean.
[16:9] I feel inspired, my dear Alex. Above all I hope I’m not disturbed on this gorgeous morning.
[16:10] Alex: Have you got everything you need, Sir? For example a tube of red.
McConey: I’m fine. You can go now.

[17:1] Hello
[17:2] During the day I replace the moon.
[17:3] I only wanted to say, it’s mid-day.
[17:4] Alex: I only wanted to say, sir, that lunch is ready. It’s a ragout of field thyme with cooked carrots and a mountainhouse sauce.
McConey: Take a look, Alex
[17:5] I was never as good as this. Look at this picture. What do you think? Brilliant, no? Honestly?
[17:6] Alex: I like it a lot. The cow on the right looks so rustic and peaceful. So idyllic.
McConey: What cow?
[17:7] McConey: Those are two amoebas sitting in the high grass fluttering their long eyelashes.
Alex: In that case one of them has very long ears.
[17:8] Yes. Hmm. My glimpse of nature was never so lyrical and swarming, right?
[17:9} McConey: Well, if it’s lunch time already I must make haste.
Alex: But that’s not right.
[17:10] What about my ragout?
[17:11] What ragout? I’m not hungry.

[18:1] Now, let’s see. What should I wear at tea time to make the proper impression?
[18:2] Definitely not that. Deja Vu.
[18:3] Too smart.
[18:4] Too dumb.
[18:5] Too sporty.
[18:6] Damn. I’ve already tried this.
[18:7] Too sentimental. And too small apart from anything else.
[18:8] Too feminine.
[18:9] Alex!!
[18:10] Again!! What a mess
[18:11] Let’s see…
[18:12] Exactly right for the circumstances.

[19:1] McConey: I’m ready.
Alex: It’s three long hours to wait before teatime, sir.
[19:2] McConey: Ah. Well, I’ll hang about in the hallway.
Alex: As you wish, sir.
[19:3] McConey: What are you doing Alex?
Alex: I’m trying to straighten your knot, sir. If you could only shake a little less.
[19:4] McConey: I can’t do anything about that. I’m a bundle of nerves.
Alex: That’s completely normal symptoms, Sir.
[19:5] Hmm. Interesting
[19:7] McConey: A potential problem has just occurred to me. What if Miss Nadia isn’t displaying the same symptoms?
Alex: But Sir
[19:8] Alex: I’m sure your feelings for Miss Nadia will be reciprocated. If I can offer a tip, you must be truthful with her.
McConey: And how do I do that?
[19:9] Alex: Well when I first got to know Mrs Margaret I looked her in the eye and said “I love you”.
[19:10] I understand. A truly inspiring speech.
[19:11] McConey: And how did she reply?
Alex: “I love you as well”.
[19:12] A talkative person. Have you ever played “the person who speaks four words loses”?

[20:2] I hope Miss Nadia’s as jittery as me.
[20:3] Then we could study this love thing together.
[20:4] Yes Victoria?
[20:5] Victoria: It’s almost 4 o’clock, miss. Teatime.
Nadia: Already? What a nuisance.
[20:5] Victoria: Did you hear? It’;s ringing again.
Nadia: Bother. Let them in, but tell them I’m not ready yet.
[20:6] Victoria: Miss Nadia says could you wait in the drawing room, please, as she’s not ready yet.
McConey: Yes, certainly.
[20:7] Nadia: Victoria, quickly. Run my bath.
Victoria: Ah, the final stage.
McConey: How.. How, er, wonderful
[20:8] It…
[20:9] ...can’t be.

[21:1] McConey: The idiot McTerry, the butcher’s son. What are you doing here?
McTerry: McConey. You! That’s not on.
[21:2] McConey: You dare dirty Miss Nadia’s carpet with your fat dog’s feet?
McTerry: Look at yourself you wretched jumper.
[21:3] McTerry: At least I was invited to tea. I didn’t consider for a minute that I’d bump into you again at teatime after all these years.
McConey: You were invited as well?
[21:4] McConey: Unlikely. I don’t believe it.
Richardson: Neither do I.
[21:5] Victoria: Only a little more make-up.
McConey and McTerry: Richardson
[21:6] McConey and McTerry: What do you want here?
Richardson: That’s what I was going to ask. I’ve been invited to tea.
[21:7] McTerry: You as well. How big is this teapot?
McConey: Gentleman, you’re surplus here. I ask you…
Richardson: You’re both surplus.
[21:8] McTerry: I consider you both to be surplus.
McConey: That makes six surplus people McTerry, but there’s only three of us. Talk some sense.

[22:1] McConey: I insist that both of you leave. I’m Miss Nadia’s choice and…
[22:2] McTerry: And I’m her beloved and demand that you both leave.
Richardson: I’m her lover. Both of you get lost.
[22:3] Extortionist! Troublemaker! Warmonger! Mummy’s boy! Zombie! Trader!
[22:4] Victoria: I think the gentlemen are becoming impatient.
Nadia: Yes, yes. I’m coming. The powdering took a bit longer, but I’m ready now.
[22:6] Richardson: Ah! Ahem. A pair of flowers Miss Nadia.
McConey: Here. I’ve got some as well.
McTerry: And me. What happened to my bouquet?
[22:7] Nadia: I’m not happy. I leave you alone for two minutes and you discuss politics. Typical men.
All: Ahm
[22:8] Richardson: Sorry Miss Nadia.
McConey: We didn’t do it on purpose.
McTerry: It won’t happen again.
[22:9] Nadia: You should know that all three of you are my friends and I invited you all to tea because I thought we’d have a nice time together.
Richardson: Of course.
McTerry: We’ve just been having a little fun together.

[23:1] McTerry my old friend you inherited your father’s butcher shop after he was bitten by an angry chicken.
[23:2] Richardson, faithful Richardson, started off wanting to go into a monastery and you’re now a Captain in our glorious army.
[23:3] And you, Mr McConey, my childhood sweetheart, who will one day perhaps hang in the national gallery between Gainsborough and… um… another English painter.
[23:4] Nadia: My three unique friends, from whom I’d find it hard to choose should I one day think about marriage.
Richardson: But we could talk about that over a nice cup of tea.
McTerry: Yes
[23:5] No, I’m very disappointed with your conduct.
[23:6] Nadia: Gentlemen, you can forget about tea.
McTerry: The biscuits as well?
[23:7] Nadia: I suggest we have a picnic by the river on Sunday. Are you interested?
McTerry: All together?
McConey: With both the others?
Richardson: Okay.
[23:8] Nadia: But I don’t want any petty misunderstandings between you.
McConey: But that wasn’t a petty misunderstanding.
[23:9] Richardson: We promise to behave Miss.
McTerry: I’ll bring a good rabbit paté with me.
McConey: Only if you want a starring role in the installation ‘dog run over’.

[24:1] Oh dear.
[24:2] Alex: Was the conversation heated, or was she taken ill?
McConey: No, nothing like that my good Alex.
[24:3] It didn’t come to anything. These two idiots from the distant past turned up and prevented me from saying anything.
[24:4] Alex: Which idiots were these, sir?
McConey: McTerry and Richardson, my childhood arch-enemies
[24:5] Oh, those idiots.
[24:6] McConey: They stood by her side as if betrothed.
Alex: Shocking.
[24:7] And next Sunday we should all go on a picnic together. What do you say to that?
[24:8] Alex: I could prepare a carrot paté.
McConey: They’ll impress Miss Nadia with war adventures and bulging receipt books. What can I do?
[24:9] Alex: Don’t become depressed sir, we’ve got other talents.
McConey: You mean you and I Alex?
[24:10] Alex: No. We’ll work hard sir, and by Sunday you’ll be the most accomplished drawing room seducer in the district.
McConey: I fear Alex that the picnic won’t take place in the drawing room.

[25:1] Despite that, the training began on Tuesday.
McConey: Miss Nadia, the tea is priceless. Oh, darling, if it weren’t a breach of decorum I’d even enjoy it at night.
Alex: Not ‘darling’ sir, ‘darjeeling’.
[25:2] Oh yes, I thought…
[25:3] Wednesday
McConey: Your eyes are like petri-dishes Miss, um, Alex
Alex: Perhaps a pair of thousand strong flickering flames would be better.
[25:4] You’ve a God-given talent for dancing Miss Nadia.
Alex: Thank you sir.
[25:5] McConey: I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to Miss Nadia.
Alex: Of course.
[25:6] Thursday
Do you know Miss Nadia…
[25:7] McConey: If we were stranded alone on a desert isle I’d gladly complete my herbarium with you. I’d select tropical ferns, and you could collect unknown leaves.
[25:8] WE could seal or love with the sale of botanical works.
[25:9] Friday
McConey: I love you Miss Alex
Alex: At last. I’m delighted to hear this sir.
[25:10] Saturday
Alex: I think we’re there. We’ve broken through the retarded repressions of your life, believe me.
McConey: What big words Miss Nadia.
[25:11] And finally, Sunday